crop housewife cleaning surface near sink
Inspiration, mental health

How to Negotiate a Fair Division of Domestic Labor with your Spouse

Resentment, animosity, jealousy, hurt and loneliness are not words anyone wants to use to describe the partnership they have with your spouse. What do spouses fight over? Marriage failure statistics do not agree on the primary reasons for divorce. I have seen money troubles, communication difficulties, and an uneven distribution of weight in the relationship as some of the most frequently cited reasons from couples counselors and divorce attorneys alike.  If we look into those reasons, it wouldn’t be difficult deduce that the concept of domestic labor disputes are a common thread! Feelings of inequality in a relationship will lead to resentment, animosity, jealousy, hurt and emotional loneliness.  From there it is not a far leap to end up with an affair, substance abuse or domestic violence (three of the other top cited reasons for divorce.)  

If this topic is important to you and you have not yet read The Moment of Lift by Melinda Gates, you need to. You can find a summary of her key points here, however I’d recommend a full read. Melinda covers a lot of ground in this book on gender inequities around the world; however, I want to tune-in particularly to the equality gap found within domestic labor in the home.  Melinda refers to tasks such as cooking, cleaning, child rearing, and running errands as “unpaid work” and in this article I am using the term “domestic labor”, they are one in the same.  Melinda cites research that finds a gap in all cultures (in India for example it’s 6:1 with women doing 6 hours of unpaid work per day and men doing 1, in the United States the ration is 4:2.5.  There is clearly a disparity that needs to be addressed and openly discussed in homes across the world. 

My stance, albeit controversial, is that there is not a way to have a truly even distribution of domestic labor and furthermore, trying to achieve a truly even distribution will reek havoc on your marriage as one person will always feel like they did more. Someone will feel that their load of laundry had more socks in it, the day they mowed the lawn was hotter, the kids were harder to control when they had them… 

A marriage is a partnership, it is a mutually agreed upon relationship in which you and your spouse agree to work toward common goals.  These common goals include keeping the house, maintaining the the yard, parenting the children, etc. all in agreed upon conditions.  In general, I agree that there should be an equal division of labor…over a long period of time (such a a year).  I suggest looking at longer periods of time because it is a normal life occurrence for each partner to have natural ebbs and flows in their career/paid workload (such as tax season for an accountant), their health (perhaps pregnancy or after an injury or surgery), or the demands of their extended family (such as taking care of their ailing parents). Partners need to have faith that if their partner is not able to keep up their end of the workload for periods of time, there is not a personal insult attached.  The tides will turn back to normal and there will also be times where the workload tips completely in the other direction.  

All of that being said, if you look at a longer chunk of time (such as one year) and feel the balance is lacking, it is time for a conversation.  Gaslighting, excuses, defensiveness and blame would all be red flags.  A respectful conversation about workload can and should happen several times throughout the year to share feelings and prevent the build up of negativity. 

sad ethnic female leaning forward on railing of terrace and looking down
mental health

Why Social Interaction Might Feel Tiresome & Draining After Lengthy Lockdowns Are Lifted

I have found it to be such a strange experience to engage in what I now deem 3-D interactions with my friends and family after a year of 2-D, electronic communication.  It feels like my eyes are playing tricks on me and I have urges to reach out and touch the faces of my loved ones to see if they are really in front of me (which I do not recommend without their consent).   The experience reminds me of one of those old school magic eye posters where you try to cross your eyes to reveal the hidden image. 

You may also find additional thought streams pulling your attention during social interactions about:

  • how you look
  • your body language and mannerisms
  • urges to multitask as you may have done (sneakily) on video calls
  • wondering if they are judging you

This additional mental chatter takes energy and may leave you feeling more exhausted after social interactions post-lockdown.  You may find that additional stress to be a negative experience and therefore you will have urges to shut down and/or cancel plans. I strongly advice against avoidance because that will only fuel the anxiety and cause your social avoidance urges to get stronger.

Fatigue: Causes, Diagnosis, Treatment & More

There is hope and there are answers for how to cope and what to do with the emotional drain and social anxiety that you experience after lengthy COVID19 lockdowns! Below you will find my three suggestions to forge a way through the mes

  1. Call it out. 

You are not alone in your experience (hence the blog) and the faster we name it as a whole, the faster we can tame it! Text your friends before or after the experience or call it out during the event and label what you noticed. “it is so weird seeing you in person, do you feel like it is a mind-trippy 3-D game to have a real human in front of you!?

2. Own it.

Even if they say “no”, that they did not have that experience, it will be helpful to you and to them, for you to take ownership of your experience and use self-validation.  “I did and I guess it makes sense since we’ve been so isolate!

3. Create a coping plan. 

Anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling which is why we want to avoid it. Prior to the experience I encourage you to use self-encouragement statements (“this will be worth it”, “even if I feel anxious, I can handle it”) and engage in relaxing actions so that you enter the experience with the calmest body posture and brain chemistry possible. During the experience, I encourage you to engage in self-validation (“this makes sense”), slow-deep breathing, and sensory soothing actions (apply hand lotion, use essential oils, drink cold water, use a fidget) to help you in the moment.  After the experience, I encourage you to decompress with calming choices (a warm bath, a funny movie, sketching or journaling). 

You are not crazy, and you are not alone in your experience of social fatigue and social anxiety.  You also were not crazy in 2020 when you struggled with complete isolation.  We finally seemed to adjust to the isolation and now we need to readjust.  Be patient with yourself!

Inspiration

New month, Happy June!

First off, I love new months. I am a: goal setter, a bullet journal-er, an eternal optimist when it comes to setting goals for myself. I love a fresh to-do list, a new challenge and a clean slate. I like thinking of what can be accomplished in 30 days and what aspects of my life I’d like to fine tune. I think of life as an eternal juggling act in which I have a lot of interests but I sink my attention into the ones that are falling below the metaphorical red line.

This month I am targeting walking and writing. I have noticed that I’ve been less active lately (my excuse is 2 years old and either walks very slowly or wants carried…) and I’d like to remedy that with more walking. I have an amazingly supportive husband who would be cool with me taking a walk anytime I want, I have fun kids who would love to go around the block more often, and I do have the ability to be patient with little legs, there is no good excuse. I am targeting the writing process to help myself write with more consistency and crank out my second book in less than four years (my goal is one year)!

I REALLY love June also because…

  • Pride month – celebration of diversity and equality, a stance against discrimination
LGBTQ Pride Month FAQs Sheet Template
  • Juneteenth – celebration of the end of slavery in the US! Please learn more about this day…just this tiny infographic helps you to see the injustice that it took TWO AND A HALF YEARS for news to reach the south that the Emancipation Proclamation was signed and in effect, ending slavery.
  • Summer – pools, vacations, shorts, etc
2021 Summer Camp Guide - Berks County Living
  • my birth month – I have always loved having a summer birthday!
Let's Party: How to Make Birthdays Special Without Leaving the House