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STOP APPOLOGIZING

Stop apologizing!

Stop it!

No really …stop being overly apologetic! We live in a culture that expects constant apologies, which leads to a nation of people who struggle with establishing boundaries.  I wonder, if you take a moment to reflect, how many relationships you can come up with that feel unbalanced: work, in-laws, friends, neighbors, siblings, parents, etc.

Consider the examples:

At home:

               “I’m sorry to be annoying, I was just wondering if you could take out the trash”

               “Sorry I’m late! Traffic was a mess!”

               “Hey, I’m sorry to bug you…but when you finish your homework can you come help me watch your sister so I can run to the grocery?”

At work:

               “I’m sorry, I know you’re busy but I was wondering if you had time to meet with me today?”

               “I feel terrible for asking but is there any way you could call that client for me?”

               “Sorry I wasn’t here for that meeting, my kids were sick and I had to stay home from school with them.”

In public:

               (You accidentally bump into someone and they aren’t mad) “I’m so sorry! I lost my balance.”

               “I’m sorry to be a bother but do you have the time?”

               “Sorry! I didn’t know you were sitting there; I would have never invaded your space like that.”

Can you see what all of these statements have in common? Yes they all start with an apology. But also notice how common they are…AND they are also all scenarios that do not require an apology! Think of the purpose of an apology: to convey to another person the guilt that you feel as a result of an action you chose to make.   I hesitate to think that anyone should be made to feel guilty in any of the above scenarios.  Guilt is only justified if your own behavior violates your own morals or values.  Examples being if you have harmed another person or you damage another person’s property.  Missing work as a result of caring for your child, having to ask a stranger for the time, asking a person to do something that falls within their job description, and requesting the help of a family member are all appropriate actions that should not make you feel guilt. 

I offer you a suggestion, say “thank you” whenever you want to say “I’m sorry”. I realize this sounds strange; however consider the same scenarios in reverse:

At home:

               “Can you take out the trash?” (after they do) “Thank you

               “Traffic was really stressful, thanks so much for being patient”

               “When you finish your homework I would appreciate if you could come help me by watching your sister so I can run to the grocery”

At work:

               “I was wondering if you had time to meet with me today?” (if/when they do, say you appreciate them taking time out of their day for you)

               “At some point today, I need _____ called. Thanks, you’re awesome!”

               “It means a lot to me that I was able to stay home since my kids were sick, thank you.”

In public:

               (You accidentally bump into someone and they aren’t mad) Laugh it off and strike up a conversation.

               “Do you have the time?” (When they tell you the time, thank them)

               “I didn’t know you were sitting there. Let me slide down and make room”…then introduce yourself and exchange pleasantries.

Even imagining the second set of situations, I feel a calmness and lightness in the air.  I feel we have become so apologetic and so fearful in our culture, that we lose out on opportunities to chat with strangers/neighbors/coworkers.  In the workplace, people villainize upper management and don’t share their personal lives at all which makes the job feel cold and impersonal.  And in the home, resentments build because there is a lack of teamwork.  If we can begin to share ourselves emotionally, connect with those around us and work together, I believe we could experience a much greater enjoyment in life.

THANK YOU for taking time to read this! Try putting it into practice this week and keep an eye out for how frequently you end up apologizing to others.

Uncategorized

Mindfulness and the apocalypse

graffiti old submarine u boat
Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

Mindfulness is about being fully present, in what is happening, TODAY.  Mindfulness is choosing to pay attention in life, to fire your auto-pilot and really wake up to your experiences and interactions with the world, without judgment.  We, as a culture, tend to be very roped into seeking the “next best thing”.  Think about it…we want the next smartphone before we even figure out how to work the one we have, there are dating apps that make small talk and polite conversation irrelevant and take you straight to the bedroom, there is a drive-thru or mobile ordering app for darn near everything you could want! We live on fast forward.  It doesn’t work and it is causing a decline in life satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, all the while creating an increase in depression, divorce and suicide rates.

The anthesis of mindfulness is living in anxiety. I am wondering why we are we so obsessed with the post-apocalyptic worlds that we think would be generated after the fall of our modern civilization? They all have something in common: NO technology and a “takes a village” mentality.  Ironically two of the tenants of our current society that we say we like (our tech toys and our individualism).

The Walking Dead, The Hunger Games, Divergent, 2012, Lost, Jericho, The Book of Eli, World World Z…the list is really quite expansive.  And yet, we continue to live IN our phones and in isolation from one another.  I do wonder if one purpose of these shows, aside from entertainment, is to warn us/show us what COULD happen if we do not change our ways…and yet…

Take a moment to read this age-old fable:

The Fox and the Goat (Aesop’s Fables)

A Fox one day fell into a deep well and could find no means of escape. A Goat, overcome with thirst, came to the same well, and seeing the Fox, inquired if the water was good. Concealing his sad plight under a merry guise, the Fox indulged in a lavish praise of the water, saying it was excellent beyond measure, and encouraging him to descend. The Goat, mindful only of his thirst, thoughtlessly jumped down, but just as he drank, the Fox informed him of the difficulty they were both in and suggested a scheme for their common escape. “If,” said he, “you will place your forefeet upon the wall and bend your head, I will run up your back and escape, and will help you out afterwards.” The Goat readily assented and the Fox leaped upon his back. Steadying himself with the Goat’s horns, he safely reached the mouth of the well and made off as fast as he could. When the Goat upbraided him for breaking his promise, he turned around and cried out, “You foolish old fellow! If you had as many brains in your head as you have hairs in your beard, you would never have gone down before you had inspected the way up, nor have exposed yourself to dangers from which you had no means of escape.”

Look before you leap.

Perhaps mindfulness could remind us to look before we leap.  Look at the data trends before you buy your 4 year old an IPAD, do some research the health risks/benefits of a product before jumping on the bandwagon just because it’s “trending”, look at these movies as more than just random entertainment…see them as a warning as what could happen if we don’t change!  Dare to be different.  Dare NOT to download every popular app.  Dare NOT to give into every urge you have for instant gratification.  Dare NOT to pay hundreds of dollars for the “cool” shoes/boots.  Dare NOT to pay $5 for the logo on your coffee mug when you could put that money away for a rainy day.  Dare to have an opinion that is DIFFERENT than the masses…afterall, isn’t that what Catniss did? And she became a hero…

asian woman drawing sketches at table with sewing machine
mental health

How are you? (Busy…right?)

It is no secret that the American culture seems to put more weight on being “busy” than being happy.  When you ask someone how they are, there are a handful of socially acceptable answers that you are likely to hear:

“So busy”, “CRAZY busy”, “working a ton”, “work is non-stop”, “good, keeping busy”, “always on the run”…Etcetera, so forth and so on…

There is a (false) illusion that by insisting you are busy, people will hear that you are important.  A recent study published in the Harvard Business Review in which they confirm the busyness trend and it has been found that when you are in the busyness “tunnel”, your IQ goes down an average of 13 points! In order to fight against this harmful trend, researchers suggest that we all need to be more open with our free time (such as lunch breaks, self care time, vacation, etc.) both in our discussions, on shared calendars and on social media.

It seems to be increasingly more common for employees to be available 24/7…with multiple cell phones and e-mail being delivered around the clock…. personal time has taken on a negative connotation.  COVID quarantine of 2020 allowed more flexibility and allowed people to work from home which was great AND it also reinforced the idea that employees are available around the clock. We get a sense of validity from being able to say we are in demand at all hours of the day and night.  We live in a world that seems to suggest that taking personal time is a failure. We live in a time frame in which we’ve internalized the belief that saying “no” or “I cannot do that right now” are grounds for being fired! What we are turning a blind eye to (as a culture) is that the problem of “being busy” is typically serving the purpose of masking anxieties and feelings of inequality and is a recipe for complete burnout! 

The pressure to be busy starts at earlier and earlier ages. So many parents that I have encountered discuss the pressure to have their children in multiple activities starting in infancy!  It seems that kids are in private lessons, select sports and working with private coaches at younger and younger ages.  What’s wrong with a kid being good at…one thing? Or even nothing?! (GASP!!!)

What is wrong with being “okay” with the life that we have…to be proud of our NORMALCY and average-ness?

I must say, I too fall into the urge to tell everyone just HOW busy/chaotic/rushed my life is.  When asked, there is a push pull between the truth (I am content…) and the desire to exaggerate.   We need downtime for our sanity, this is nothing to be ashamed of! I hope that one day we can adopt the Italian mindset that downtime indicates a higher status lifestyle!

Call to action:

  • Can you schedule some down time with no goals and no expectations?
  • Can you be present enough to find gratitude for your normal-ness?
  • Make a social media post about how grateful you are for the day-to-day aspects of your life.
  • Try and practice for the next week!
green leafed tree
Uncategorized

Using Social Media for Good, not Evil

Social media may seem unavoidable in the 21st century.  I want to show you how you can use it for mental HEALTH instead of mental anguish.   There is an analogy that everyone has a good and a bad dog within them (although I dislike the judgments there).  This is similar to the angel/devil on your shoulder analogy…however take a moment to consider which dog you feed more often? If they are your pets, which one do you spend more time nurturing?

Social media can be used for both good or evil.  You can subscribe to blogs that fixate on negativity, make you feel worse, and fuel your pity party or you can subscribe to those that are POSITIVE!

As a challenge, on all sites you are on, I want you to intentionally follow pages, hashtags, and topics that uplift you:

  • mental health
  • wellness
  • kindness
  • hobbies
  • nature
  • encouragement

On all networking sites, the users and topics that you search, subscribe to, and follow are up to you. Try following inspiration, funny pictures, cute animals, users that make a point of being encouraging, and/or appropriate family members.  There is even a sub-network called “Fitspo” which is a type of posts that are fitness inspiration, these would be an example of something great to follow.  Most sites even give you the option of “blocking” other users or “hiding” them so you don’t have to worry about hurting their feelings.  A big NO-NO here is following triggering topics, users that bring you down, encourage behavior you are trying to stop doing, or highly judgmental users, and topics that normalize behavior you don’t want to continue.  If a user or topic makes your conscious put up a red flag or if it’s something you feel ashamed to follow…REMOVE It!!

*these statements are made after my own investigation and use of each site.  This may or may not be the policy of each website and/or app.