Tag: mental health

four people standing on top of hill during sunset
Inspiration, mental health

Reflections on Friendship in Adulthood

Alexandria Fields

Having friends is one of the greatest gifts life has to offer. Friends bring joy, comfort and companionship—all invaluable traits in life. But there are also many other reasons why having friends is important. From improving your mental health to increasing your physical activity levels and more, the benefits of friendship cannot be overstated. In this blog post, we’ll explore why having friends is important and how having a solid network of supportive people in your life can make all the difference. Whether you’re a child or an adult, read on to discover why friendships are essential for a happy and fulfilled life.

It’s no secret that humans are social creatures. We thrive in relationships and generally wither when we’re isolated. That’s why it’s so important to have friends – they provide us with the love, support, and companionship we need to stay mentally healthy. However, sometimes life gets in the way and we find ourselves without a close confidante. Maybe you’ve recently moved to a new city, or your old friends have drifted apart. Whatever the reason, isolation can lead to depression.

Loneliness has been linked to increased stress levels, anxiety, and even physical health problems such as heart disease. And when we’re feeling down, it’s difficult to summon the energy to reach out and meet new people. So what can you do if you find yourself feeling lonely and depressed?

First of all, don’t despair – it’s perfectly normal to feel this way at times. Secondly, try to be proactive about meeting new people and building relationships. Join a club or take a class – anything that puts you in contact with like-minded individuals. Make an effort to socialize outside of work or school; invite friends over for dinner or go out for drinks together. Finally, stay connected with your existing friends by making time for regular catch-ups (in person or online).

If you’re feeling isolated and depressed, remember that you’re not alone – help is available. Talk to your doctor or a mental health professional if you’re struggling to cope.

It’s been said that connection yields contentment, and there’s a lot of truth to that. We all need friends to help us through the ups and downs of life. Good friends are there for us when we need them, and they help make life more enjoyable. They can make us laugh when we’re feeling down, and they can offer a shoulder to cry on when we need it.

Friends are an important part of our lives, and we should cherish them. They enrich our lives in so many ways, and we should be grateful for their presence in our lives.

Friendship isn’t always easy. It takes effort to maintain, just like any other relationship. But unlike other relationships, friendship is voluntary. We choose our friends, and we can choose (and they choose us!) to keep them in our lives or not. Friendship is worth the work because it’s a unique relationship that brings joy, support, and companionship into our lives.

Friends are there for us during the good times and the bad times. They make us laugh when we’re feeling down and help us celebrate our successes. They provide a shoulder to cry on when we’re going through tough times and offer words of encouragement when we need it most. Friendships are built on trust, honesty, and communication. When these things are present, friendships can weather any storm.

It’s important to nurture our friendships and show our friends how much they mean to us. A little effort goes a long way in maintaining strong relationships with the people we care about most. So reach out to your friends today and let them know how much they mean to you. Friendship is definitely worth the work!

We need friends in adulthood

As we age, our social circles tend to shrink. We might move for work, have kids that consume our free time, or simply drift apart from old friends. But even as adults, we need close peer relationships – and not just with our romantic partners or spouse.

Humans are social animals, and research has shown that having close friendships can be good for our health. One study found that middle-aged adults who had strong social ties had a 50% lower risk of dying over a 10-year period than those who didn’t. Other studies have shown that social connections can help boost immunity, reduce stress, improve heart health, and increase lifespan.

So if you’re feeling lonely, don’t despair – there are ways to make new friends as an adult! It will require persistance, courage, and energy…and it is worth it!

Inspiration, parenting

GOOD news!

Alexandria Fields

My co-author and daughter Grace and I were interviewed by our local news station! Check out the story below!!!

We are on a mission to normalized transracial families (and all families that aren’t “typical”)!

Grace being interviewed on the local evening news!

You can get a copy signed by Grace in the bookstore tab above!

blue skies
DBT, Inspiration, mental health

Meditation Saves Lives

Alexandria Fields


This is my all time favorite representation of the power of meditation. I encourage you to watch the video and reflect on what it could mean for you. When he gets overwhelmed with the multiplying flies (his thoughts, which only multiply when you refuse to let them be) and places his hands over his ears, I am moved to goosebumps. It helps me see that I am not the only one who gets overwhelmed with racing thoughts and I am not the only one that has an INCREASE in racing thoughts when I first sit down to clear my mind.
If you can embrace the thoughts for what they are, blips on the radar and not feed into them, you will find that they settle on their own.

A few great FREE resources for new meditators:

https://www.mindfulleader.org/meditate-together
Insight timer app
YouTube guided meditations

red gray and yellow abstract painting
DBT, Inspiration, mental health, parenting

Sick and Tired?

Alexandria Fields

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am fed up with feeling exhausted and having a pity party because:

  • I don’t have time
  • I can’t find a sitter
  • I have kids with me
  • I have a to-do list
  • I have chronic pain
  • I have a full-time job

The reality is that I have to make the time, I have to accommodate having kids with me, accepting that not all things need to get done at the same time, off and on nagging pain will always be a part of my life, work will be there and work can wait. I have to create the opportunities that I’ve been wanting to have fall in my lap.

This has all come to a head this week as my gym’s kids club keeps shutting down for staffing issues. I fell into a bit of a woe is me pit because as a working mom, it isn’t fair. I have an amazing husband who tells me to go to the gym anyway and he’ll watch the kids, but as I already take time away from my kids and husband during the work week, I feel too guilty taking more time for the gym. So, I must take my own advice (see Overcoming Obstacles as A Working Parent) and make it happen. After my pity party cleared out, I was able to see clearly that I do have options available to me:

  1. My office complex has a very mediocre gym, on-site. Let’s face it, I’m not a body builder and this will be sufficient!
  2. It’s spring and I can resume walking around the block, bicycling, and playing outdoors with my kids for more physical activity.
  3. Instead of paying $90 as a copay to every doctor I see, I can spend $90 on supplements one per month to optimize how my body is working.
  4. I can eat healthier…that one doesn’t cost anything.
  5. I can resume daily journaling to improve my clarity and mental health.
  6. I can resume reading to improve my self-image.

I could keep adding to my list, but the reality is: I have choices. I can take control of this ship and steer it in the direction I’d like to go and you can too! Find an accountability buddy (I have different friends and co-workers that I write with, read with (book discussions after we read books on our own), apps that prompt healthy habits, etc…and before long, I know that the habits will be self-reinforcing because the payoff will be worth the effort.

hands people friends communication
Inspiration, mental health, parenting

Three Ways You Can Show Meaningful Love to Your Person/People

Alexandria Fields
  1. Explore and communicate in their love language

The love languages are a couple’s therapist most basic tool; however, that being said, I am a big fan! The five love languages are ways that people can express love and ways that people receive love (quality time, words of affirmation, touch, gifts, acts of service). Oftentimes we see that couples and parent/child dyads are misaligned. This isn’t a bad thing but it does take effort to understand and address. If you want your person (spouse, partner, child, friend) to feel loved, you MUST learn to communicate in THEIR love language, not your own. The inverse is also true, if you aren’t feeling loved, it is probably because they are communicating in a love language that doesn’t register with you as much. This can be fixed relatively quickly, there is hope!

A great example is that for me, my love language is NOT touch. I am not a hugger or a touchy feely person; however, one of my daughters is touch person, she NEEEEEEEEDS touch to feel loved. This means that I have to work hard to remember to be (what feels to me like) extra touchy with her: snuggles, back rubs, lotioning, hand-holding, etc. so that she feels my love. Another of my daughters prefers quality time. This means that for her, it’s more important that I sit down and play with her, read with her, take walks with her, etc. Learning to communicate in the right love language will save you so much time and effort in the long run!

I’d challenge you to take the love languages quiz (this can be found via a Google search or on the 5 Love Languages app) and let your people know the results. Then you can ask them to take the quiz and share their results with you.

  1. Play board games

It doesn’t matter who you are trying to connect with, board games are connecting. Playing board games require you to sit down with someone, giving them your full attention and share with them your true personality. You can choose to engage in a game that either brings the two of you together toward a common goal (a cooperative game) or pits you against one another (competitive game) – either way, you will find yourself feeling calmer, happier, and closer to the person (and calmer, happier and closer to yourself!

I always chuckle at the eye rolls that I get from people when I suggest board games because it seems that universally, people think they’re “lame” AND universally, when people actually play games, they have FUN! Board games may be “old school”, but they stand the test of time. Whether your loved one is 2 years old or 100 years old, there are board games out there…a small amount of research will unveil a hidden nerd-centric world that you didn’t even know existed. Check it out!

  1. Go for walks and hold hands (if appropriate)

My husband and I enjoy going for walks around the block after our children go to bed (don’t worry, with the technology in our world – house and bedroom cameras, smart locks, etc. – they’re safe when we take a .5 mile walk in a square around our home). This time is often the most connected we are all day because we hold hands, walk without screens, and discuss our days. We process our fears and hopes and find the time to be a safe space to be vulnerable. The movement is a bonus because it allows us to let go of our anxieties and use movement to release our daily frustrations. We often come up with our best ideas on these walks!

Kids and friends also enjoy walking with their people. One of my daughter’s favorite rewards, is being able to take a walk around the above mentioned block with me before school. We also hold hands and see the same benefits that I’ve already mentioned. Friendships would benefit from the same practice! Walking with neighbors, friends, or co-workers can bring you closer together (although the hand-holding is likely not going to be as relevant)! You can get to know so much about people just by spending committed time with them, without the distractions of screens and the pings of your phone.

If you’ve been feeling lonely, I would challenge you to follow these tips for one week and see how you feel. Journal about how you feel before the challenge and then again each day of the challenge. Are you feeling more connected? Less lonely? Do you find yourself feeling more loved and important to your people? What surprises you about the experience? What were the challenges to implement the practices?

two women smiling
Inspiration, Journaling, mental health

A Sense of Pride

Alexandria Fields

Why do we think of pride as a negative emotion? The message I think we all get from culture, is that pride is a bad thing and something hide or feel ashamed of. The message is that pride makes you cocky and arrogant. The message I propose is that you SHOULD be proud of your accomplishments and SHOULD be comfortable discussing them with your friends and family!

Pride is defined as:

a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.

Pride is knowing that you did a great thing or achieved a big accomplishment. It is knowing that you did the hard work needed to live with integrity. Pride is a necessary component of self-esteem and self-worth. Pride is not the same as bragging, bragging is when you take your pride too far and talk about it TOO much, to a degree of annoying others. Arrogance is taking pride and self-esteem too far, making it the only thing that matters in your life. Pride is simply recognizing your accomplishments and not being afraid to take ownership of the hard work you put in to achieve them!

That being said, I’d like to share the things I am most proud of:

  • my work ethic (cue song from Flash Dance “she work’s hard for her money…”
  • my sense of adventure and willingness to do hard things (ie: backpacking, hiking, home renovations, yard work)
  • my sewing and cooking skills (my mom taught me so many homesteading skills!)
  • my parenting (we are playing the long game, trying to instill values in our kids, even when giving them a tablet would be easier)
Inspiration, mental health

Self-Worth – What Is It and How to Increase It

Alexandria Fields

Worth is the value of something placed on it by society or yourself. Worth is subjective and is up for discussion which is why some people have a difficult time believing a compliment.

I am sure you can think of an item you own (or owned in the past, even as a child) that you placed more worth on than society would have, it came from within. For me, I have had a treasured rock collection, special tattered quilts, and I currently still have a Fozzie Bear Muppet Baby figurine that is precious to me from my childhood. I place high worth on them, and I am aware that other people may not find them to be worth anything at all.

Improving your self-worth must come from within. You will need to determine that you are worthy of your own time, attention, and resources and until you do that, it is likely that others will ignore your requests and will see you as a push-over. People with low self-worth often make jokes at their own expense and are not likely to speak up for their preferences. If others laugh along at the jokes or do not pick up on minor preferences that are casually mentioned, the person uses their confirmation bias to determine that it is proof of their low worth. I mentioned earlier in the book that I would use your love for your children to manipulate you: this chapter is one place I will do that. If you want your children to have healthy self-worth, you must lead by example.

Self-esteem and self-worth can be thought of as synonymous. Self-esteem cannot be bought; it must be earned. That means that unless you set a goal and struggle to reach it (be that at work, with parenting, in a hobby, financially, etc.), you will not feel good about yourself.

Ideas for Raising your Self-Worth:

  • Treat your body as a sacred place.

This means that you recognize the mind-body connection and treat your physical body accordingly. You understand that chronic stress and anger take a dramatic toll on your physical and emotional well-being. You can reverse that toll by taking the steps that you know lead to healthier life.

  • Stop smoking and/or vaping.
    • Exercise regularly.
    • Drink water as a primary beverage.
    • Go for walks.
    • Stretch.
    • Eat fruits and vegetables every day.
    • Limit fast food and junk food.
    • Visit the dentist twice per year and the primary care doctor yearly.

To prioritize any of the mentioned suggestions here for healthier living forces you to engage in an action that only someone who thinks their life is worthy would do. You might have to “fake it” initially, but I know that over time you will develop a sense of pride over the healthy choices you are making. In time, that pride will increase your self-worth!

  • Values-based living.

Values-based living is a concept that I introduced in chapter one. If you have time, go back, and re-read that section and see if you have taken any strides toward values-based living in the time it has taken you to read the last 4 chapters. If you have not taken any actions that are aligned with your previously identified values, that is ok! That might be a sign to pick a different value to start with, to recommit to your prior plan, or to evaluate what got in your way and problem solve it.

Living according to your values raises your self-worth because it is not always a convenient thing to do, and yet you are taking actions that tell yourself and the world, that you are worth it. You are worth your own time, attention, and resources.

  • Journal and meditate.

Self-reflection is not something a person does if they think they are worthless. They do not believe their thoughts, time or attention are worthy of evaluation or recording on paper. They believe they are disposable and that others see them as disposable. I hope that you do not believes those things about yourself.

Journaling can help us to see patterns in our thinking and your behaviors. When we find problematic patterns, we can journal to explore solutions and problem solving. In doing so, you give yourself the message that your problems are worth solving, your moods are worth improving and your relationships are worth saving. There is more information on journaling in chapter seven.

Meditation achieves a similar result without the writing. When you meditate in any fashion (such as clearing the mind, listening to a meditation recording, focusing on a mantra or affirmation, praying, etc.) you will generally find a sense of peace and clarity that seems to magically improve your abilities to cope, and problem solve. You would not take time for such an activity if you did not believe you deserved such an experience. I believe that meditating and journaling on a regular basis will improve your self-worth because they are actions that tell yourself that you are worth your own time and energy!

  • Celebrate your wins (somewhat unapologetically).

People who have low self-esteem feel ashamed and embarrassed by their accomplishments. They are likely to think that they do not deserve celebration and/or their success was a fluke. If you fall into this category, you will need to practice acknowledging that you worked hard and that your success was earned, and you will need to accept compliments and/or praise from others with a “thank you” and not a self-deprecating remark. Your success is just as well earned as anyone else’s. You made the choices in life that yielded the results you have; when it pans out in your favor, accept the congratulations from others and pat yourself on the back!

Inspiration, Journaling, mental health

Achieving Goals More Consistently

Alexandria Fields

I absolutely love goal setting. Historically, I was really good at setting goals, being very passionate about them for a week(ish) and then forgetting about them. This blog is to help you make changes in HOW you set goals, so that you might make more progress in achieving them. In the last two years, I have developed a love of bullet journaling because it is a creative and visual way for me to set, track and evaluate my progress toward goals. The visual and doodle-encouraging nature of bullet journaling is more successful in holding my interest.

Another thing I have found helpful is to recognize and accept that DAILY goal tracking is not my goal; of course I will forget and have days where I don’t achieve my goals! In the past, I had an all-or-nothing approach and would give up if I lost my “streak”. Now I set a goal of hitting the goal xx number of times per month, and honor my body’s needs for off days!

I am old-school and prefer a paper and pencil approach; there is something about putting ink on paper that I find cathartic and pleasing. My journal is set up with monthly pages in the beginning of the journal to check in on at the start of each month. Those pages include: travel tracker, books read, budget tracker, loved-one birthday list, debt reduction tracker, and yearly goals. Following those pages, my journal follows the year in a monthly format. At the start of each month I pick a few habits to focus on for that month and create a habit tracker, a page to record gratitudes, a goal list, a to-do list, and any other relevant pages for that month. Below you can see some of my 2022 templates for growth.

I will add habits to focus on in the center of the circles and will shade in the days that I achieve the goal.
To track daily gratitude’s, I do not number them, I generally haphazardly write and doodle them as not to pressure myself to hit “every day”
I love to read, this is where I track any books I complete – audiobooks, tangible books, books for my job, etc.
This page is in the yearly section because these are goals that are consistent every month. I have left space to add goals that pop-up through the year.
We LOVE to travel, we try to at least take a mini adventure trip each month, such as a hike in a neighboring town each month.

If you are not an artsy person and want something printable, consider printing this free habit tracker! I love, love, love that this includes a reward that you identify for yourself each month!

one black chess piece separated from red pawn chess pieces
Inspiration, mental health

Mindfulness and The End of The World

Alexandria Fields

I tend to teach my clients a LOT about mindfulness.  Mindfulness is about being fully present, in what is happening TODAY, without judging it/clinging to it/trying to make it go away.  Mindfulness is choosing to pay attention in life, to fire your auto-pilot and really experience your interactions with the world, compassionately.  We, as a culture, tend to be very roped into seeking the “next best thing”.  Think about it…we want the next smartphone before we even figure out how to work the one we have, there are dating apps that make small talk and polite conversation irrelevant and take you straight to the bedroom, there is a drive-thru for darn near everything you could want! We live on fast forward.  It doesn’t work and it is causing a decline in life satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, all the while creating an increase in depression, divorce and suicide rates.

Riddle me this: if life is SO GREAT living this way…why are we so obsessed with the post-apocalyptic worlds that we think would be generated after the fall of our modern civilization (that’s probably not where you thought this post was going is it?)? They all have something in common: NO technology and a rebuilding of the “takes a village” mentality.  Ironically two of the tenants of our current society that we try to convince ourselves make us “superior”.

The Walking Dead, The Hunger Games, Divergent, 2012, Lost, Jericho, The Book of Eli, World World Z…the list is really quite expansive.  And yet, we continue to live IN our phones and in isolation from one another.  I do wonder if one purpose of these shows, aside from entertainment, is to warn us/show us what COULD happen if we do not change our ways…and yet…

Take a moment to read this age-old fable:

The Fox and the Goat

A Fox one day fell into a deep well and could find no means of escape. A Goat, overcome with thirst, came to the same well, and seeing the Fox, inquired if the water was good. Concealing his sad plight under a merry guise, the Fox indulged in a lavish praise of the water, saying it was excellent beyond measure, and encouraging him to descend. The Goat, mindful only of his thirst, thoughtlessly jumped down, but just as he drank, the Fox informed him of the difficulty they were both in and suggested a scheme for their common escape. “If,” said he, “you will place your forefeet upon the wall and bend your head, I will run up your back and escape, and will help you out afterwards.” The Goat readily assented and the Fox leaped upon his back. Steadying himself with the Goat’s horns, he safely reached the mouth of the well and made off as fast as he could. When the Goat upbraided him for breaking his promise, he turned around and cried out, “You foolish old fellow! If you had as many brains in your head as you have hairs in your beard, you would never have gone down before you had inspected the way up, nor have exposed yourself to dangers from which you had no means of escape.”

Look before you leap.

(Aesop’s Fables)

Perhaps it is time to look before we leap. 

Look at the data trends before you buy our 4 year old an IPAD, look at divorce statistics before you sleep with someone on the first date, look at these movies as  more than just random entertainment…see them as a warning as what could happen if we don’t change! 

Dare to be different.  Dare NOT to download every popular app.  Dare NOT to give into every urge you have for instant gratification.  Dare NOT to pay hundreds of dollars for the “cool” shoes/boots.  Dare NOT to pay $5 for the logo on your coffee mug when you could put that money away for a rainy day.  Dare to have an opinion that is DIFFERENT than the masses…afterall, isn’t that what Catniss did? And she became a hero…

woman in red t shirt looking at her laptop
DBT, Inspiration, Journaling, mental health

STUCK.

Alexandria Fields

What do you do when you are stuck?

  • Stuck in a meeting
  • Stuck in traffic
  • Stuck in line at the store
  • Stuck at home
  • Stuck at the airport
  • Stuck in quarantine
  • Stuck in the parent pick-up line

The reasons for stuck-ness are many…mandated attendance, weather, the person in front of you can’t move; however the feeling is typically the same.  Anger.  It may start off as slight irritation, moving into annoyance and frustration before moving into full blown anger; however typically, being stuck makes us mad!

So how are we going to get through this UNENDURABLE situation?  To start, stop exaggerating! It’s not unendurable.  It’s not typically as bad as we make it out to be in our head.  Let me give you an example:  I like Starbucks (fact), but the line at the drive through is absolutely ridiculous (opinion).  My problem solving skills lead me to park and go inside every time I go there.  I was very content with this decision.  One day, while inside, I was so excited to see that there is a screen for the baristas that tells them how long people have been in the drive-thru.  I expected to see 10 minutes….15 minutes…FOREVER, because let’s face it…waiting in that line is AWFUL! To my amazement, the longest wait time was 2 minutes 45 seconds.  Really??….the line was LONG when I walked in…like wrapping around the building and almost to the main road! Then it hit me: I’ve been inside for about 3 minutes too! Why is it that being trapped in my car causes me to perceive time moving so much slower?  I felt stuck!

How to guide to get unstuck:

  1. Realize that the trick isn’t actually to get unstuck, it’s to change how you feel about being (what you perceive as) stuck.
  2. Stop judging. Words like should, always, terrible, OMG, worst, never…are typically attached to a judgment.  Instead, be descriptive.  Explain how you feel and why. Ex: Repleace “this is the longest line EVER, I ALWAYS get stuck in long lines” with “I am sitting in line at Starbucks, this has happened before”
  3. Observe your posture. Ex: Take your fingernails out of the steering wheel, let your shoulders fall from your ears back to their relaxed state, remove the scowl from your face…
  4. Consider other possible alternatives to catastrophizing Ex: I finally have time to respond to those text messages (safely while not driving), I can plan the next few hours of my day, I can sit here and remember a positive memory to improve my mood, consider things you are grateful for.
  5. Stop fighting reality. In conjunction with #4, the reality is that you are in a situation that you can’t immediately get out of; catastrophizing is an example of the situation worse.  Accept that you are where you are (this will reduce suffering).

I am wondering if you are willing to give it a try?   It’s amazing what changing your interpretation of a situation will do for your mood!